Top Five Reasons UMass Will Beat USF

I hate to start things off on a negative note but can I just ask why one of four UMass home games (not including the home opener in which no one was at school yet) is scheduled for Columbus Day weekend? Making a man decide between visiting his family or watching the boys of Amherst slaughter the USF Bulls? It’s a predicament I wouldn’t put on my worst enemy.

Anyways, here’s the top five reasons UMass will beat USF:

1. The Bulls are 4-0 on the season

Tell ’em Admiral!

Trap game written all over it. USF will come out of the tunnel with swagger expecting a walk in the park when… POW! The Minutemen hit ’em square in the teeth. Hungry dogs run faster. Advantage UMass.

2. Orlando attracts more visitors than any other amusement park destination in the United States.

Sounds like everything is all about fun and games in Florida. While the USF football team rides the ‘Rockin Rollercoaster’ and ‘Space Mountain’, the Minutemen quietly perfect their craft.

Disney is overrated. Advantage UMass.

3. Key Largo is known as the Dive Capital of the World

Very interesting. Diving? This is a football game tomorrow right? While USF does their best Neymar impressions, the Minutemen will fight through contact and keep going until their bodies physically can not take it any more. Advantage UMass.

4. The Saint John’s River is one of the few rivers that flows north instead of south.

Is USF a one dimensional football team? Last time I checked, a football team should play north and south. If the Minutemen are able to keep the Bulls facing the south end zone the entire game- I have no choice but to expect a shutout. Advantage UMass.

5. Tampa sees some nasty lightning each summer, which is how the local hockey team got its name

Everybody knows lightning never strikes the same place twice, right? WRONG! Lightning will be striking on every Minuteman possession tomorrow in the fantastic McGuirk Stadium. The Bulls will never see it coming. Advantage UMass.

Due to the NNNN motto “family over everything”, I will not be able to attend the drubbing of the Bulls but I prayed to the Minuteman statue for three days straight to make up for my sin. Keep the faith. Go UMass.




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