After walking the beautiful pathways of UMass for almost 6 weeks now, I have noticed something. People really don’t like making eye contact. I won’t put myself above everyone else because sometimes eye contact is not ideal. You look someone in the eyes and next thing you know they look at you and then it was as if you were staring at them. “Take a picture it’ll last longer creep!” rings out through the air*
*-Not really but I imagine it’s what their thinking.
So anyways I thought it was only fitting to break down the best techniques for avoiding the dreaded eye contact. Here’s what I got:
The old “look at your phone” technique
Ah yes; a timeless classic. You see the kid you know but don’t really want to talk to approaching from afar and a five minute conversation about their day looms. How do you stop it? Bust out your handy dandy I-Phone (if you have an Android this technique will not work because everyone knows Androids are trash and a person wouldn’t want to be on it) and smirk casually every 2-5 seconds as if you are reading the most classic story/text/tweet of all time. Once the other person walks by immediately pull your head up. There is no chance they will realize what just happened to them. They just got jammed.
The old “look at your surrounding area as if it is the first time you’ve ever seen any of it” technique
Sometimes the best strategy is to act as though you are entranced by your surrounding area as such:
Wow, look at that beautiful tree!
What gorgeous pavement this is!
I’m literally just staring off into space so I don’t have to look at you; neat!
There is nothing strange about turning your head to look at a building you’ve seen countless times right as someone is about to walk by you. If anyone thinks otherwise? They’re wrong.
The old “stare straight ahead” move
As the wise Lil Kodak once said: “Right now I gotta keep a tunnel vision because there is another human being walking towards me”. The stare straight ahead technique is the move of a seasoned vet. Not everyone can pull it off, but if executed correctly, it can make it seem as though you actually have somewhere to be and not rushing off to your 6th dining hall visit of the day.
These three techniques are simple enough to learn but take years to fully master. The slightest mishap can be disastrous resulting in you making eye contact with another human being
Well, that’s not that bad!
…that you don’t know.