Fighting Strategies for Non-Fighters*

Ever been in a situation where you know you’re going to get your ass kicked? I don’t mean “ah man, I really got my ass kicked didn’t I guys?”. I mean you got a can of whoop-ass opened, heated over the stovetop, seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika, and then had it dumped on you, and then he took the pan and smacked the shit out of you with it.

I haven’t.

Mostly because I don’t really hang around people who I think are going to kick my ass. That is, I’m a total bitch. Even the slightest scent of that whoop-ass can and I’m changing my name and moving to Timbuktu.

But I do have some strategies for non-fighters that will hopefully help you out should you ever need to employ them (God forbid).

The Spider-Man:

I know what you’re thinking “Jake, I don’t have radioactive spider powers, I can’t fight, that’s why I’m reading this blog.” I know, neither do I. However, something I can do is read comic books. In one instance, Spider-Man was able to defeat the Incredible Hulk by telling him a joke so funny that the Hulk laughed and laughed until he turned back into Bruce Banner. I’m not saying that this will work every time, but if you’ve got a long period of time while Mr. I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass is walking over to you and rolling up his sleeves, maybe bust out the Moth Joke.

The Bust a Move:

Right as the fight is starting, just simply yell “dance off!” and start furiously dancing. I don’t mean some weak ass hit-the-woah and some nae-nae’s, I mean crump out of your goddamn mind like your life (or at least the current arrangement of your face) depends on it. Chances are- you still get hit. But if you’re crumping hard enough, you could land a lucky elbow or fist in the right spot and deter the ass-kicker from pursuing any further violence for the time being.

The Woe is Me:

As soon as the guy threatening to beat you up starts to move towards you, try to look as gloomy as possible. Unfortunately, this is not for those of you who are clapped– but them’s the breaks. As he closes in on you and sees how sad your puppy dog eyes look, maybe he’ll take pity on you. The advantage of the ‘woe is me’ is that you can continue to do it while the fight is happening. If you just look so sad while it’s happening and let him hit you like it has happened a million times before, he might get sad too and stop.

Or he’ll be a sick fuck and keep doing it (idk I’ve never done this before).

The Daddy*:

This strategy is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for the amateur fight-avoider. The technique to this is deliberate and calculated. In order for this strategy to work, you have to commit entirely. Half-assing this avoidance technique is guaranteed to result in double the ass kicking.

How does it work?

As the fight is beginning, take off your shirt and start shouting “Oh is that it? Huh? You wanna fuck daddy? That’s what you wanna do huh?” Continue stripping, while continuing to shout at the guy various ways he wants to have sex with you, “oh you wanna make tender love with daddy by the fireplace? That’s what you want? You sick pitiful bastard?” By this point you should be in at least your underwear and the guy should be backing off because he thinks you’re insane. If all else fails, fully commit and get naked.

Note that this strategy should only be used in a situation where your dignity does not need to remain intact.

*None of these strategies have been tested in the field. No Names No Numbers is not liable for any cans of whoop-ass opened on you.

NNNN

Editor’s Note:

 1. Obligatory BMS clip

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaaUMOaNshs

2. People have told me that another great strategy is to antagonize a 300lb behemoth at a frat only to be bailed out by a hometown brother moments before a beatdown takes place.

I wouldn’t know- but that seems good too.

Power Ranking Nicknames That Send Me Into a Spiral of Fury and Anguish

By: Jake Sockett Twitter: @SockettJake

There is no better way to get me worked up than by calling me a nickname that comes across as condescending. That shit really just gets under my skin. Inspired by Pat’s tweet from yesterday, I’m ranking some common nicknames used.

Before we jump in here I want to just explain the context of the use of these nicknames. The context in which I am being called these names is when I don’t know the person very well and we do not really intend on getting to know each other that well (i.e., I’m at work and they are a customer, they are someone I know from class, they are a stranger on the train).

Without further ado, let’s get into it.

10) Man

Man is at the bottom of this list because it really doesn’t bother me at all. In pretty much any context I am okay with being called man. It’s not really a gender-neutral term so I can understand why non-men might get upset by the word. Interesting to think that saying “hey man,” is so normal and non-confrontational but saying “hey woman,” would be really strange.

Much to think about.

9) Dude

Pretty similar to man here, dude is a go-to “I don’t really know you but I need to get you to look at me so I can get off this train” word. The only reason it could kinda get me mad is that dude is a little bit more of a personal word than man, but I don’t really mind it.

8) Guy

Like the two before it, guy is pretty low-key. It can be said with some inflection to make it a little rude, but it’s overall not really a bothersome word. Nothing else to say.

7) Boss

Boss is an interesting one because it has been used on me both when I was the customer and when I was the employee.

Both times it got under my skin.

It’s just a simple situation of “why did you choose that word? Of all words?” I’m not your “boss” and I don’t want to be.

Leave me alone.

6) Bro

Bro sits right here because there is a degree of personal relationship needed in my book to be called bro but I understand that there are many out there who use bro on a whim and it works for them. There have been instances where I’ve been called bro by a stranger and not minded, but there are plenty of cases where a stranger called me bro and I thought, “I don’t know you, and I know I’m not your bro.” 

5) Kid

This might not apply so much to any non-Boston readers, but kid pops up a lot for me. Being called kid is kind of like someone flicking your ear. It’s not the worst thing they could do to you, but it’s fucking annoying isn’t it? It’s patronizing and the user is trying to imply that they’re older/smarter/more important through that word.

4) Chief

Chief wasn’t very common until Twitter took “I don’t know about that one, chief” and ran WILD with it for a very long time in a very dark period of Twitter History or “Twistory” if you will. The amount of times I’ve been in the mud pits of the reply section and gotten second hand anger from seeing that stupid Naruto gif of the guy doing Jutsus (I hope you know the one) is absurd.

Disagreeing with a take and using that as a response doesn’t make you right, you turd.

3) Champ

Champ is pretty much only something you want to be called by your coach/dad literally right after you’ve won a championship or by Joe Rogan/Dana White after you take a UFC belt. No other time has anyone thought “boy I wish I were being called champ right now!” 

2) Buddy

Like Pat said in his tweet yesterday, being called buddy is so demoralizing. It throws off your day and quite frankly your entire week. Getting hit with a buddy by pretty much anyone can fuck your life up, but when the girl you’re talking to smacks you in the face with a “thanks buddy!” after you tell her how cute she looked today, there’s no coming back.

1) Pal

Woof.

Where do I even start with pal? It’s just so easy to spit out of your mouth at someone. When someone calls you pal, they are probably wanting to call you fuckface but just aren’t able to say that word because there are children around (always gotta think about the children). Reserved for only the lowest of the low, pal is not to be trifled with or dropped casually.

If you call me pal, from that day going forward it’s on sight.

NNNN

Editor’s Note:

1st off- great piece by Jake.

2nd- Saw “boss” so I think I have an obligation to link to a certain someone:

#GetBagelBossOnThePod