Letters to Pat

The Letter:

Dear Pat,

I have been following you for quite some time now and want to first commend you on your impeccable wit and internet suaveness. For these reasons, I figure you are the best person to give advice about all things college.

I am an incoming freshman and my mind has been racing trying to figure everything out. What should I know about parties? What clubs should I join? Is the whole thing even worth it?

I know you’re probably spending the majority of your time fending off beautiful co-eds but if you can spare a few minutes to reply I would greatly appreciate it.


Concerned Freshman

The Response:

Dear Concerned Freshman,

First and foremost, thank you for your generous compliments. It is not easy being the voice for college students but if I don’t do it- who will?

As far as the specifics of your question:

Partying (If you’re a guy):

When I was heading into school last year I was ready to turn ‘Animal House’ into a modern reality. But after deciding not to rush a fraternity, I failed to study the ancient questions of “What’s your ratio?” and “Who do you know here?”.

Big mistake. (look for open windows)

Partying (If you’re a girl):

You’ll be fine.


If you’re a nerd:

Daily Collegian

If you’re a dummy:

Amherst Wire

If you’re a little bit of both:

nonamesnonumbers.com (Contact nonamesnonumbers1@gmail.com if interested)

Is the whole thing really worth it?

UMass mission statement:

The University’s mission is to provide an affordable and accessible education of high quality and to conduct programs of research and public service that advance knowledge and improve the lives of the people of the Commonwealth, the nation, and the world.”

Let me start by saying; I have loved a lot of things about college.

I love meeting all different kinds of people, I’ve taken some interesting classes, the social aspect is fun, and getting the opportunity to use a sweet radio studio is second to none.

But the price is outrageous.

Right now I’m looking at around $50,000 dollars in debt post graduation (and I’m lucky enough to have my parents helping me out).

A lot of advice from adults in terms of uncertainty around a career path entering college is “Oh don’t worry about it! You’ll figure it out!” followed by the all-time cliche “These are the best four years of your life!”. The latter part of the first quote is true; you will figure it out. The question becomes whether or not you will be facing $50,000+ of debt before you do.

I’m not saying this to be a debbie downer but rather because it is a harsh truth of the world we’re living in. I’m also not putting the blame on adults who say this because as we all know it was a “different time” when my parent’s generation went to school. I spoke with a UMass alumni this summer who told me tuition cost him $1,200 .

He’d be lucky to get textbooks now.

I honestly believe that if you take the “These are the best four years of your life!” advice then they will be; and that scares me more than anything- cause life can be pretty damn long.

So my sage wisdom with one whole year under my belt boils down to the four words so eloquently stated by modern day philosopher Wiz Khalifa:

“Work hard, play hard”

And hopefully things will work out.









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