Kyler Murray Should Hire Me As His Personal Decision Maker

In case you were living under a rock there was some news that broke today regarding this year’s winner of the Heisman Trophy:

You might think the story here is Murray choosing the more dangerous, barbaric, league with a notoriously short career length better sport to play.

It is not.

Exhibit A:

Let the record show I know what is best for professional athlete’s lives and career decisions. Agents? Overrated. Friends? Forget about them. Family? Don’t know shit. But as I played one whole season of varsity football (still waiting on my first D1 offer) I knew where Kyler’s heart was at- without ever even meeting him.

Some might call it luck.

I call it a gift.

I’m an athlete whisperer.

A little reverse psychology on this one; they don’t teach you that in the classroom!

NNNN

NNNN Podcast Episode #4

Pretty interesting podcast this week (if I do say so myself) featuring:

-Keeping it real

-Super Bowl recap

-The GOAT (Lavar Ball)

-UMass #TicketGate (not really though)

-Sleep struggles

-And final thoughts  {you won’t believe what was said! (unless you do) }

Enjoy and lets have ourselves a weekend:

NNNN

Basic Bathroom Etiquette

You might be thinking to yourself:

Who doesn’t know the basic rules of the only place that keeps us from being the same as Apes?” 

To which I would have to counter with; more than you’d think.

Because of this confusion, I figured the fine people of the internet could use a refresher course on how this sacred place shall be used.

Rule #1: The far left stall is for pee ONLY (no exceptions)

Now I know many people have conflicting feelings about “unwritten rules” but one that I have always abided by is “You don’t poop in the piss stall”. There are no urinals in the bathrooms of residential halls so this distinction must be made in order for our community to stay afloat. Originally, I wrote “some exceptions” in the parentheses in cases of absolute emergencies but then I thought back on my public bathroom poop anxiety and remembered; you can always suck it back up.

diagram
For my visual learners out there

Rule #2: When showering please keep a buffer stall between you and others

Same can be said for dropping a deuce but I really think about showering when it comes to this rule. Maybe I am paranoid (I am) but why should I have to worry about a peeping Dom (notice I didn’t say “Tom” in solidarity with my friend; kudos to me) tryna cop a look at my prized possession…

My beautiful blue eyes.

Rule #3: Have fun in there!

Play your music at max volume! Grunt excessively! Let people know you’re in there to get after it!

Follow these three rules and you will never have to worry about trips to the porcelain throne or body cleansing machines again.

NNNN