Fighting Strategies for Non-Fighters*

Ever been in a situation where you know you’re going to get your ass kicked? I don’t mean “ah man, I really got my ass kicked didn’t I guys?”. I mean you got a can of whoop-ass opened, heated over the stovetop, seasoned with salt, pepper, and paprika, and then had it dumped on you, and then he took the pan and smacked the shit out of you with it.

I haven’t.

Mostly because I don’t really hang around people who I think are going to kick my ass. That is, I’m a total bitch. Even the slightest scent of that whoop-ass can and I’m changing my name and moving to Timbuktu.

But I do have some strategies for non-fighters that will hopefully help you out should you ever need to employ them (God forbid).

The Spider-Man:

I know what you’re thinking “Jake, I don’t have radioactive spider powers, I can’t fight, that’s why I’m reading this blog.” I know, neither do I. However, something I can do is read comic books. In one instance, Spider-Man was able to defeat the Incredible Hulk by telling him a joke so funny that the Hulk laughed and laughed until he turned back into Bruce Banner. I’m not saying that this will work every time, but if you’ve got a long period of time while Mr. I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass is walking over to you and rolling up his sleeves, maybe bust out the Moth Joke.

The Bust a Move:

Right as the fight is starting, just simply yell “dance off!” and start furiously dancing. I don’t mean some weak ass hit-the-woah and some nae-nae’s, I mean crump out of your goddamn mind like your life (or at least the current arrangement of your face) depends on it. Chances are- you still get hit. But if you’re crumping hard enough, you could land a lucky elbow or fist in the right spot and deter the ass-kicker from pursuing any further violence for the time being.

The Woe is Me:

As soon as the guy threatening to beat you up starts to move towards you, try to look as gloomy as possible. Unfortunately, this is not for those of you who are clapped– but them’s the breaks. As he closes in on you and sees how sad your puppy dog eyes look, maybe he’ll take pity on you. The advantage of the ‘woe is me’ is that you can continue to do it while the fight is happening. If you just look so sad while it’s happening and let him hit you like it has happened a million times before, he might get sad too and stop.

Or he’ll be a sick fuck and keep doing it (idk I’ve never done this before).

The Daddy*:

This strategy is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for the amateur fight-avoider. The technique to this is deliberate and calculated. In order for this strategy to work, you have to commit entirely. Half-assing this avoidance technique is guaranteed to result in double the ass kicking.

How does it work?

As the fight is beginning, take off your shirt and start shouting “Oh is that it? Huh? You wanna fuck daddy? That’s what you wanna do huh?” Continue stripping, while continuing to shout at the guy various ways he wants to have sex with you, “oh you wanna make tender love with daddy by the fireplace? That’s what you want? You sick pitiful bastard?” By this point you should be in at least your underwear and the guy should be backing off because he thinks you’re insane. If all else fails, fully commit and get naked.

Note that this strategy should only be used in a situation where your dignity does not need to remain intact.

*None of these strategies have been tested in the field. No Names No Numbers is not liable for any cans of whoop-ass opened on you.


Editor’s Note:

 1. Obligatory BMS clip

2. People have told me that another great strategy is to antagonize a 300lb behemoth at a frat only to be bailed out by a hometown brother moments before a beatdown takes place.

I wouldn’t know- but that seems good too.

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